False dawn

Okay, so starting the New Year again, again. I really do hate the way this year has started. All I can think about are mistakes, errors, regrets…Last week, when I woke myself up to a devestating truth, the assumption was that I could move forward with focus, desire, credibility, confidence…Now the days are worse than before….It takes history to frame context…No, sorry, it takes the present to frame history with context. My mate’s engagement do, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve, and this weekend gone, with my heavy drinking, acts I regret, memories I wish would fade…Good nights all, because my mates are the best in the world, but….All this must sound so playground…

The events of the week past have proven to be a false dawn. I awake still to all the old problems. My housemate says I can only mull over things if I live on the Isle of Mull. “If I ever see you mulling again, I’ll buy you a ticket,” he quipped. I needed that laugh. It’s all quite messy, though. I thought writing things down would help, but the paper remains folded, in my diary, amongst a lot of other prose and text I cannot say I remember writing…Some of it comes and goes, some of it is drawn from the subconscious. My mate…I should start naming them to avoid confusion (and to provide context)…my mate is anti-blog. He points out the irony in a public viewing place of private thoughts. How open I have been here is not within my usual characteristic nature. Maybe this blog is….different for some reason.

More time spent thinking, then. What else this year (hah! this week alone….) will bring up I just do not know….